If My Body Were A Car

[jimuc]

How many of our members does this apply to

If My Body Were a Car..

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
Most of my moving parts could do with being oiled.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ..
It's difficult to start me, once I'm parked.
Sometimes I forget where I am supposed to be going.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are all stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But that's not the worst of it:
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[John Haldane]

Very funny, and very true
John H

[davec]

And from the 60s:

THE BALLAD OF MINI COOPER (by Archie Fisher)

Well, my name is Mini Cooper. I was once as white as snow,
Till I met a Rally Driver and a-rallying did go.
He promised me fine trophies and I've got them all, it's true,
But surely, girls, you'll pity me when you hear what I've been through.

He took me down a shady lane so dark I couldn't see,
And surely, girls, there never was a man as fast as he.
He laid me on a mossy bank and gave me such a fright!
He examined my suspension with a spanner and a light.

When he found that I was stalling, he flew into such a rage!
But I knew he was trying to get me to a very special stage.
So he tickled my carburettors and gave my points a touch,
And how could I resist him, girls, when he slipped in the clutch?

But my back and sides are scratched now, and my bottom's red with rust.
My bonnet's badly dented and my Hydrolastic's bust.
I've got no brakes to speak of and I think my head is gone,
So don't go into the forest girls without your sump guard on.

I tell you girls now truly I would rather have this life
Than be locked up in a garage and polished every night
I would rather have a young man who would drive me hard and fast
Than be some old man's darling to be made to last and last

I would rather be driven hard and fast along a forest track
To feel me valves a-bouncing and me revs go off the clock
I would rather have my accelarator hard against the floor
Than be prodded by an old man who's forgotten what it's for.

sung to the same tune as Hot Asphalt by The Dubliners

DaveC

[Mikey]

My big end went years ago!